Chivalry is not dead! (Or wait, is it?)

chiv·al·ry

ˈSHivəlrē/

Let's Google: Modern Chivalry...

Chivalry spells out certain ethical standards that foster the development of manhood. Men

are called to be: truthful, loyal, courteous to others, helpmates to women, supporters of justice, and defenders of the weak.They are also expected to avoid scandal.

That helps. I found that on http://www.chivalrynow.net/articles/chivalry.htm

But really, from a women's point of view, is chivalry dead? I would say for most of our

culture yes. Rarely do I see the average man "serving" their date or spouse by pulling out their chair, or offering a coat if they are cold, etc. In fact, the longer couples are married, the more rare it seems to become.

Be honest - more often than not, we see men and women running to their car and getting in, driving off. Rarely is a door open for the woman by the man. Right? When was the last time you saw a man pull out a chair for a woman? Send a thank you or flowers after a date? Write a love letter - hand written! Oh my goodness, we would just be shocked.

I asked around to see if others were noticing the same lack of engagement by men towards women. They said yes, but that they felt the women's movement really has prevented the art of chivalry from existing. Some women may feel offended or "weak" if they receive this type of attention.

OK, the modern definition says "defenders of the weak." I am not suggesting women are weak. In fact, quite the opposite, we have never been stronger or have called to step up more than any other time in history. We go to work, and we handle the house, the kids, the grocery shopping, the laundry, etc. The heaviness seems to fall on our shoulders. Why? We have trained our men to expect that type of treatment. Then we get mad at them for sleeping on the couch after work.

Can there be a good balance of both: strength acknowledged in women and the ability to allow men to love us through chivalrous acts?

STOP. Lets try this. LET US REVIVE CHIVALRY in our relationships today!

Men - do you love your spouse or significant other? If you said yes, How much? Would you die for her? Would you consider doing the dishes or cleaning the toilet "crazy?" Although we don't live in the 15th century and have to deal with heavy armor, I beg you to consider the purpose of your existence. Is it to give love or to get love?

Women - I am going to turn this around on you:

Do you get offended when a man, especially your husband, does something nice for you? Would you think our spouse or significant other was making up for a "wrong" by sending you flowers just because?

Let's take chores for example: women, do you allow your man to do the dishes, vacuum, etc even if it might not be perfect? Or do you critique? OK, you just killed any opportunity for acts of kindness for years to come - maybe for a lifetime unless you change your response and appreciate the effort. Can we allow others to care for us? To help serve our needs? Will we allow him to open a door, pull our our chair, take us on a date.

Men - when was the last time you took your other/wife out on a date that you planned?

If you as a woman operate out of a sense of control and do not allow your man to serve you and your needs, you may miss out on the precious give and take of your relationship. You might want to pause and talk with your spouse/other about that soon.

Men and women: if you seek to grow, love and serve the other! Go out of your way to help - you may be surprised at the results and thankful for the investment you have made into the life of the one your love!

Try it! You'll like it.

My suggestion: No regrets! Do your relationships right! Respect, love honor and cherish even if you don't want to, doesn't feel like it, or doesn't feel completely normal or feels awkward - do it!

Date

Goal: go on a date! MEN: surprise your spouse or other with a date even if it is for a walk and talk. NO need to be expensive. Plan ahead and ask her out on a date. She will be surprised. Reassure her nothing is wrong. Say that Deb at Great Marriages is challenging you to do so.

Women: no judging or criticising. Just thank them.

Note to men and women:this is not a business meeting, make it fun and enjoy listening to the other talk. Ask questions. Empathize.

Challenge

The Challenge this week is to find something to do for your significant other that would be really nice for them. Maybe let them take a nap while you do the dishes. Or maybe just cuddle together.

Write to me won't you? Let me know if you took me up on this week's challenge! deb@great-marriages.org